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I wrote this letter to heaven nine years after she’s gone. A letter addressed to my mum in heaven. She has been looking after me from there with such love and care, as always.
“My dear mum in heaven, there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t miss you. I miss your voice, your gentle hands, your hugs. Writing this letter is far from easy. It’s hard as I would like to hug you and tell you how awful I feel that I didn’t make it to say the last Goodbye. It was so hard not to be there with you when you breathed out for the last time. I so badly wanted to make it. When I literally ran out of the hospital just in time to escape before my operation. I managed to purchase the last flight ticket back home to only find out on my way to you that it was too late.
I couldn’t forgive myself that I was too late. And I still wanted to tell you so much. I wanted to tell you again how much I love you and how honoured I was to have you as my mum. The best mum I could ever wish to have. The best mum God could give me. But just as He gave me you, He took you away from me. I couldn’t understand it. I did ask so many times why you? Why is it me who is losing my mum? Why can’t I have you for a bit longer? And I wanted to scream so many times how much I miss you. You always used to say that things happen for a reason. Despite all that you went through. I couldn’t understand. How could you still even think so after what you have been going through” ?
“All I can do now is write this letter to you, my dear mum in heaven, and tell you that I still love you so much. I miss you mum, so often, yet I had to learn to move on with my life. It took me a long time to understand it. I needed time to grieve, time to heal. And it’s not that I’ve forgotten now or that my love is weaker now. No, it isn’t. The point is that after years I realised that I had to let go. My life hasn’t stopped yet, but it took me years to realise it”.
I thought I would never get married. How could I? I wanted my mum to be at my wedding. Surely I can’t do it without her? My friend, whose father passed away a few years ago, shared her story with me. She said she felt the same about being happy. She told me that after she had lost her dad, her thought was that she would never be able to laugh again. How could she ever be happy without him? And that’s where the blame comes again. We blame ourselves for continuing our lives without them. But God left you here on this planet for a reason. He didn’t leave you here for you to feel guilty. You still love your mum, dad, brother…the same love, you hold on to it, treasure memories of them in your heart. But you have to let go of loss. You have to continue living your life because otherwise, you will make them feel guilty for departing.
A friend of mine planned to get married when I told her that I probably never will, despite loving my partner. She asked me, “Why”? When I said it’s because I can’t imagine not having my mum at my wedding, she said, “Imagine you would say this to your mum. That, because she died, you refuse to get married. How do you think she would feel?” Those words got me. Am I going to blame my mum for leaving me and for not being able to get married? How can I do this? She loved me so much. Imagine how guilty she would feel if she knew I didn’t get married because of her, because she died before I got married. No, this isn’t what I would want. It would break her heart.
We don’t want them to feel guilty. It wouldn’t be fair to blame them, that because they left us we are unable to continue with our plans, with our life. Imagine how would you feel if someone were to tell you that. Those words hit me. I realised that moving on with my life would be a way to show her my love. She would want me to. That’s what she always wished for me. I can’t do this to her. I still have to go on. My life didn’t end. My life has to continue in her honour. To be an honest person who can look at the bright side of things when everything seems so dark and appreciate every little thing.
“Sitting here today and writing this letter to you, my dear mum in heaven, I still don’t know why you had to get this terrible illness. But we don’t always get answers to all our questions. And that’s life. However, so much now makes sense. It’s like putting these little pieces together to complete a puzzle. As a single working mum who spent her last working years abroad before becoming ill, and me living abroad, we would not be able to spend so much time together otherwise. It was actually due to your illness and my job that enabled me to travel every other month home, that we could spend so much time together. It was more than some parents and children do.
There are many who, whilst they live close to each other, are always busy. And our time spent together was unforgettable. Those were my best years with you when we would be planning trips together or just spontaneously hit the road and go somewhere. Although the frequency decreased as your health deteriorated, I still keep all those memories in my heart.
I don’t know why you became ill. Forever it will remain a mystery for me. However, we had you here for so long whilst our older brother, your son already in heaven, only for a few days. So while I’m still sad that you’re not with us any longer, it would be selfish to only want you for ourselves. Therefore the thought that you and he are reunited again makes my sadness more bearable. And I have to think of your words that everything happens for a reason”.
“Mum, although you are in heaven now, I can still feel your presence. Just like on my Big day, on my wedding day in beautiful Bled (Slovenia). From nowhere suddenly came such rain that even the locals said that was very unusual for them. This sudden heavy rain in the middle of an otherwise sunny day didn’t come to ruin our day but make it more unique. It is something no one will ever forget.
However, I know that it wasn’t just a typical rain. It was you, a sign, a way you announced your presence. I could feel it, the veil gently touching my face. I could feel your touch. You were there with us. And you were happy for me that I finally married the love of my life. I did it, mum! I know you would want me to. And the rain stopped just in time. We could take the boats (pletnas) to the island in the middle of the lake for the church ceremony without getting wet”.
“Just like you were there when my accident happened. I knew when the doctors said that I was a very, very lucky girl, that it was you. When the doctors called it a miracle, I knew it was my angel in heaven holding her protecting hand over me. And suddenly, I could see that your purpose was so much greater than only helping others whilst you were here with us. You were right in saying that everything happens for a reason. I have now witnessed it so many times. There is always a purpose for everything in life. We may often not understand what God is trying to tell us, but we only need to trust him that everything is as it should be”.
Writing this letter to my mum in heaven isn’t easy. Although for some people, it may seem absurd to write a letter to someone who passed away, to others, it may be just the perfect way to document their grief. It’s not that they expect an answer or that someone would really read their letters, or even that they would send them. But it may help them connect to their loved ones who can’t be with them any longer.
At least once a week I used to call my mum, usually at the weekend, and I still miss our calls so much. It felt so empty after she passed away. Suddenly I didn’t have anyone who I could call on the weekends. How would I spend my weekends? It was a part of my weekly routine that wasn’t there any longer. So writing a letter to my mum in heaven is a kind of substitute for the weekend calls. And whilst for many years I would be too overwhelmed to write a letter to my mum in heaven, especially on the anniversary of her death, with the years that have passed I can now even smile whilst writing it.
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“Whilst writing this letter brought some sorrow to my heart, there is also a smile on my face when I think of you, mum, of all the memories of you, of us, I treasure. It still hurts not to have you here, but now the tears of sadness are lowered by those of appreciation and gratitude. My love for you keeps me going and living my life in your memory. And I’ll always carry you in my heart…until we meet again”.
If you are dealing with the loss of a loved one, I am sending you strength and prayers. Similarly, if you know someone who is dealing with it, let them know that you are there for them to help in any way you can.
Thank you so much for reading and until the next blog post,
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